We all make mistakes. Forgetting to study for a test, blowing a presentation, invading Iraq — these are all things that can be forgiven and recovered from. But saying the wrong thing to your wife or girlfriend? That’s the kind of mistake you’ll be paying for the rest of your life.

If you’ve ever uttered any of the phrases on this list, you probably realized your error right away and silently prayed for the ability to travel in time just so you could go back a few seconds and keep your damn mouth shut.

Learn from those of us who have gone before you, my friends. Memorize these things and never say them, even if—no, ESPECIALLY if—you want to hurt her. Instead, take a deep breath, count to ten, then say one of the things on Part II of this list instead.

30 Things You Should Never say

1. “No.”

This is in response to anything she asks you to do. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word unless it comes from her own lips.

2. “Can I Kiss You?”

They hate this. It’s a total mood-killer. Just go for it. If she turns her head or pushes you away, that’s a much better form of rejection than the word, “No.”

3. “Did You Cum?”

If you have to ask, she shouldn’t have to answer.

4. “Is That What You’re Going To Wear?”

Best case scenario—you’ll be waiting around for an hour while she tries on ten different outfits.

5. “Are You Sure It’s Mine?”

Nothing good can come of this question. If you have doubts, do you own detective work.

6. “What Are You Thinking About?”

Trust me, you don’t want to open that Pandora’s Box.

7. “Bitch”

You let this one slip and she’ll hold it over you for the rest of your life. But it’s still not as bad as…

8. “Cunt”

Oh boy. This is the absolute worst thing you could ever call a woman and you should delete it from your vocabulary. There is no appropriate context. Unless you’re British. They can pull it off sometimes.

9. “Calm Down”

I assure you, this will have the opposite of the intended effect.

10. “That Time Of The Month?”

Or any variation thereof. Do you have a death wish?

11. “She’s Hot.”

She might try to bait you with a “Do you think she’s pretty?” Don’t fall for it.

12. “I’m Such A Loser”

Or any self-deprecating shit like that. Even if you don’t really mean it, even if you’re just down in the dumps, save that one for your therapist. She wants you to be confident.

13. “Are You Really Going To Eat All That?”

You might as well go ahead and call her a fatty. No sex for you.

14. “My Ex…”

There’s no right way to finish that sentence, even if you were going to slam a past girlfriend. She wants you to forget every other woman you’ve dated.

15. “What Did You Do To Your Hair?”

I don’t care if she shaved her head bald. Tell her you love it and wait for it to grow back out.

16. “That’s Your Mother Talking.”

Comparing her to her mother, especially in a negative light, is the height of idiocy. That’s a complicated relationship, and you don’t know shit about it.

17. “I Think I’ll Sit This One Out.”

If she asks you to go somewhere with her, even if she promises that it’s okay if you say no, she expects you to go.

18. “I Hate Your Friends.”

You don’t have to love her friends, but if you tell her you hate them, that’s a personal insult to her.

19. “Can You Pick Up The Check This Time?”

You cheap bastard, just be a man and pay the bill.

20. “It’s A Guy Thing. You Wouldn’t Understand.”

She’ll think you’re calling her stupid.

21. “How Many Guys Have You Slept With?”

Most of the time, you really don’t want to know.

22. “Can We Have A Threesome?”

If you really want one, you can’t just come out and ask for it. You have to get her to suggest it. It takes a lot of groundwork.

23. “I’m Not In The Mood.”

Just soldier up, my friend. Rejecting your girl’s sexual advances is a good way to get cut off altogether.

24. “I Don’t Care.”

If she’s asking for your opinion, give one. Telling her you don’t care what movie you see or what you want to eat is like telling her you’re not interested in contributing to the relationship.

25. “You Knew I Was Like This.”

Big mistake. You’re not only agreeing that you have a character fault, but you’re also refusing to work on it.

26. “You’re Crazy.”

Even if it’s true, you don’t ever want to say this to a woman’s face. Do it and you’ll see a whole new level of crazy.

27.  “You Don’t Look So Good.”

You might be concerned that she’s sick or didn’t get any sleep, but she looks perfect all the freaking time. Remember that.

28. “You Should Ask My Mom How To Cook.”

Oh, you dumb little bastard. She’s more likely to ask your mom how she managed to raise such a moron.

29.“Have You Gained Weight?”

That should be a no-brainer. She can criticize your body shape, hers is off-limits.

30. “Will You Marry Me?”

Just kidding. Sort of. Just try to make sure you only say this once.

5 Things You Should Say

1. “I’m Sorry.”

If you feel a big blow-out coming on, just swallow your pride and say it’s all your fault. You have better things to do and more important principles to stand on.

2. “Tell Me All About It.”

You say this and she’ll talk for forty-five minutes straight. All you have to do is nod along and you’ll be branded a great listener.

3. “You’re Great At That.”

Just keep this one out of the bedroom. Boosting her confidence is always a good thing. You want her to feel elevated by you.

4. “I’m So Glad You’re In My Life.”

Who wouldn’t love to hear that? It’s a great catch-all, and can diffuse almost any domestic dispute.

5. “You’re So Beautiful.”

We get lazy with this one the longer the relationship goes, but you should try to remember to say it at least once a week.